My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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