Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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