He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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