So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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