I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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