dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
home. puking in laundry basket.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
