I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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