Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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