I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I puked a lego.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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