Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
