i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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