Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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