Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
