Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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