I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
