I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
