Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
