just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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