we have pet lesbian snakes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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