I'm eating all of the evidence.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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