last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Couch. On fire.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
