just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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