I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
