K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
