I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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