how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
