there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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