I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
