I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
