Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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