we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pooping to opera.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
