I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
