Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
