eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
