Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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