the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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