How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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