Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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