Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Bring me that man meat
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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