Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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