Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
