Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
