I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
