her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
