the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
