Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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