This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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