I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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