You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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