His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
