The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
