it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
