Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
