I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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