Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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