the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
