Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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