And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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