there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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